I don't know why the fuck I get so mad around you. I guess I've never met someone so selfish and so sad all at the same time. I love you but I can't look at you anymore. I wanted to see you do so much, but then when the talent wasn't there I didn't know what to think.

I hope that there still might be talent. Maybe some place deep inside.

Do you love us? Do you care about us at all? I feel like every word I say to you is awkward. I'm suppose to love you but sometimes I feel like I can't do it anymore. No one can.

We were so close at one point. Another brother, stoned, dumb and smiling like a cat on the fence. We could talk and talk and talk. We did, for hours, for days. Endless nights, full of stars and promise.

Then it just went away when I could no longer look you in the eyes. You had the best reply at one point, but you walk around like your deep, but are you? Have you said anything lately? Have you made a change? Do you try?

I guess I can't say the same, but in some ways I think I can. I try to say things that provoke thought at least. I can do that at times. I know I give up easy but I try, I always try. And I tried with you, and I gave you my shoulder and I gave you food, and I gave you love, and I showed support and you never gave back, you never said thanks, you took it like it was your own, and you never even said thanks.

I don't care anymore, I feel like I will just watch you go down, down that shitty drain, following a clan of fallen artist that just put things to shame. I hope I am wrong, I hope you do well, but most importantly I hope you turn around and give back, come back, come around. Not for me, though I really liked it, but for him... after all he is your fucking kin.

dance?

Meet ME At the Movie

Take me away from boring conversations and meet me at a movie. It will be dark, and no one will see us escape. I rather be in a world of our own then pretend I make any sense here. Just take me away and I think everything will be okay.

I sit here thinking that if I can't see you tonight, I might never see you at all. It stops me from knowing deep within my heart that what I have with you is real or honest. I want to be true to love, true to the idea that one person was made for another person.

We can't hold each other long enough or hard enough. I look outside my window hoping you skate by, you kick your hair to the side, your freckles litter your face like a cupcake full of sprinkles. I don't lick you like a cupcake because you taste like salt.

If only we could be together more, if only...

SUSIE WANTS...

An Arcade Fire Tattoo! Any ideas?

big girls club

Everyone loves skinny. Skinny jeans, skinny lattes, skinny minnies, skinny bodies. I think that people need to change the view on body image. Why is skinny pretty when it promotes death to me.

I love full figure bodies with full hair, tans, and curves so dangerous it can kill you. Why all the bones, and hollowness. I think of sad girls when I hear skinny girls. I read all the journals, I see all the blogs. Being SKINNY is sad to me. Girls, boys, go out of their way to be thin. It's all most painful and no matter what they say or how they post satisfaction with protruding bones, they are NOT happy.

Full figure bodies are amazing.

I'm tired of women not embracing them more and not loving what they look like. Skinny is not in anymore.

ATTENTION WOMEN! BE CURVY AND BE HAPPY! LIVE HAPPY LOVING WHO YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOU ARE EXPECTED TO LOOK LIKE! CURVES ARE SEXY!

CHECK THIS BLOG OUT FOR FATSPIRATION!
http://biggirlsclub.tumblr.com/

Oh where will the wind take me?

I don't feel lonely, but I do feel friend-less. I remember when every night I had plans with a good friend for a great time. Stephanie and I use to go to any bar with cheap drinks and cute boys. Wade and I use to spend time in his apt or at some weird dysfunctional place just laughing up a storm. Jacque and I use to dance till our feet hurt too much at Ibar. Jillian and I use to drive around looking for anything and everything. Brittany and I use to drink so much sake our teeth would hurt.

I miss friends, the kind of friends you could call up at any time to meet you for drinks or sushi or to dance the night away. Friends that got me into trouble or made the night more thrilling. Friends that gave me so many laugh lines!

When I fell in love with Brendan I knew only one thing, that I never wanted to be away from him or without him in my life. I knew he was my match and that we were so much alike and in love.

Kissing Brendan was the best drug I ever took. I couldn't get enough and I couldn't stop. I kissed him until our lips bled. I loved his eyes, his soft voice, his silly laugh, and fuzzy hair. He was sweet, understanding and most of all patient.

He met me as a crazy girl. I spun out of control when I felt frustrated or annoyed. I couldn't help it, I was hurt from the one before, and I was programmed to feel so frustrated. He loved me softly and showed me a way to connect with how I felt that didn't involve yelling or getting angry. I still struggle with it but I have come a long way.

When Brendan told me he was moving back south I didn't know what to do or what to think. I guess I was just so tired of things not working out in orlando. I was pretty sad about a lot things. He made them just go away, and it made me stronger!

I came up to him one day, and just told him that if it was okay with him, I wanted to move with him south, to a new place, a new start, a new life.

Moving south was really hard, I didn't fit in all the way. I had a hard time finding people who were like minded, or knew what the hell I was talking about. I did everything to keep from going mad. But it was really tuff'!

I met some really nice people, Jade has been a great friend to me, I love her so much and she has really been sweet. I worked with some really awesome people which I wasn't finding much luck with in Orlando, and I began collecting some really great clients.

Still deep inside I still missed my local bars, cafes, and family and friends. Most of my friends have all moved away or grown apart. I see them when I can or when they want to be available. It's never easy...

I always wish that I could mesh the two some how, I tried with goldwell but that didn't work well... it's still a work in progress but it has worn me out too much.

Right now I have something new in the works. Me and a friend are working on a small business called the beauty bandits, we go out on location and do hair and makeup. It's a new thing and it's still in the works but i hope that we can launch it quick!

Tonight I wanted company. Brendan works a lot, and sometimes it just gets to me that I don't have anyone I can just call and be like "wanna get a beer?" TIME will tell... I could be more social and I know that it would help, but I never really make the effort...

MAKE THE EFFORT SUSIE