lost in the way of control

Im not made for love sometimes.
I want to be a hustler and i cant, all i do is lose and spit
nothing works out for me
nothing goes right


I'm not a susiehomeamker mor like a susiedream maker
all i do is dream all day
when i should be cookin
cleanin
shoppin

im a fool if i think this stupid poem is going to help me express myself, its not, not even close. Dude right now i feel stupid, i want to get the fuck out of dodge before i turn into someone or somethning im not.

I totally gossiped at work
i totally spent money on something im addicted to
i totally fought to the bone with brendan












what do i want to hear...
a. im not crazy
b. im not weird
c. i didnt make a mistake, people just fight
d. all of the above
e. none of the above

my house

Is a very very very nice house, with two dogs in the yard, nothing can be so hard, and everything is real because of... well brendan!

I love my house, its perfect, it lets in a lot of light, it has just enough room to be spread out, it can hold a lot of people, and we made it come together really nice. Most of all I can come home crash over and over and over again and its soooo comfortable.

We still have so much to do and so much to get, like a sweet ass globe bar, another couch, some vanities for the guest room, garden stuff, and a fence. I'd also like to paint the walls, expand the kitchen and dining room, get a hot tub/deck and get a swing.

I have time.

The best thing about my house is that I can always move things around to get a new look. I enjoy buying small things to make it just right in all the right spots. I want to fill it with things we get from around the world, to give it more story. I have some things that I picked up, just me, but I need more.

We love being home, we havent been to the movies in a while cause we rather snuggle on the couch... with our dogs

Also we need to get more picture frames, I love photos and art... we need more of that too!

I hope in april i can throw a kick ass party... i dunno i'm afraid that no one will go. Which would be kinda embarassing...

we'll see

25 things u dont know about me

One i wasnt born here... i was born in guatemala.. sometimes i lie (to make my life easier and not explain too much) and i tell people I was born here....

I think I'm a great cook... but I'm lazy and most of the time i don't have to cook for anyone

My dad and I are best friends and we have this understanding that is so deep I can only hope I have that with my own kids.

I really really really really want to have a baby but I'm not sure if I'll be a good mother or if I'm done being silly and independent.

I don't like to french kiss

I like my arm pit odor

Sometimes I cry a lot for no reason... and it makes me feel a lot better.

I use to be a geeky lonely kid at school and lots of kids made fun of me... I think it was cause I was so different... and never adjusted to having foreign parents

I dont like to go back and spell check... and latley Ive mizspeled eveyting....lol

I use to talk to myself... and answer back

I have a mean streak that never seems to go away

My aunt married my principal and i didnt like it... obviously i love him now

I hate my teeth and my boobs

sometimes I wish i would of gone to law school, just to impress people that never matter to me

I dont care about being rich or famous anymore as of yesterday before that it was all that i cared about for no reason

I realize i can never live in L.A its just a thought

I went through a really dark poetry phase, it was really silly, i read it now and laugh myself till i pee a little bit

Im scared of getting really fat more than 300

I collect owls but i dont like telling anyone cause i dont want anyone to get me owl presents that i wont like

I smoke pot like most people have a glass of wine... it just clears my thoughts

I use to steal anything at big stores like target wal mart and salvation army

When i was five my uncle who was only my principal at the time asked me what i wanted to be when i grow up, i thought it would be really funny to answer him by saying to be dead

I wrote this kid a love note... he showed all his friends and they laughed... hahah i laugh at it now too

I stalk everyone on facebook

I never thought Id find the right one... and i really have

tie

its hard to tie everything together. I hate the idea that one cant be the other, and nothing can be together. It makes me wonder why this world is so forced and so managed.

DARK JEWISH GIRL

Her face is still showing no emotion, no expression, nothing. Her eyes are lined black with liner hiding herself from the world. Her hair falls into perfect dark riglets, a mess of volume, and a radiant shine.
She holds a cigarette cooly to her lips. A long drag, an empty stare, and soft plume of smoke escapes her mouth like that of a snake.
Her clothes hug her body, dark and perfect.You look at her, you want her attention, you crave her affection. She doesnt say a thing, she just silently thinks to herself and notes your presence.
She enjoys smoky music like new wave or jazz, she also enjoys every cigarette she plucks into her mouth.
you love her, you think about her, you want her.